Sunday, February 17, 2008

They tried to make me go to rehab..

Hi.. My name is Ally and i I'm an audioholic..

I've been using music for the last.. 23 years at least...
..and am still currently using..
I've tried quitting a few times.. but I always seem to fall of the wagon..
I don't remember how it started.. but I do remember being really young.. and looking up at the living room wall... at the shelves... filled with delicious vinyl records..
I remember my dad.. showing me 2 records.. one with a black man on the cover, and the other with a white man on the cover..
..he said they were the same person..

before I knew it.. I was using every day.. mostly in the living room.. by myself..
some days it got so bad... I chose the records over going out to play with the kids in my neighborhood..
It was probably then when I realized my hobby had become my addiction.

Back then.. I didn't always know what I was using.. I just knew it was... something like.. track number 6 on the record that looked like a white wall..
I was using so much during that time that it was hard to keep track of what was a good buzz and what wasn't..
Today I know better.. I read labels.. It's just good sense.. knowing what you are using at all times..
although sometimes.. I do lose control.. and use nonstop.. for days even..
after binges like that.. my head feels numb..
I feel the desperate need to continue using.. but everything I have.. isn't good enough..
..the tracks that made me feel like I was dancing on a rainbow of skittles... don't work for me anymore.. so I try to put them aside while I go hunting for a new buzz..
..most of the times.. the new buzz is in no way as good as the previous one..
Right there, I recognize that this might be a problem..
When I'm in a low like that, I try to find bad stuff to use, to make the old "good stuff" look more appealing again by comparison...
.. I have a few CDs for exactly that.. music that is so terrible.. it physically hurts using it..
I try to fool myself into thinking.. it's interesting and fun... and sometimes it works.. and I can laugh at my own silliness...
Other times.. it's just embarrassing, time consuming and ...quite painful.

I don't think I'll get over this addiction easily.. and some days.. I'm not even sure I want to get over it..
I know.. I know.. this means I'm not ready to change.. I haven't hit rock bottom yet.. but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned about my health and sanity..
Right now, I just have to take it one day at a time.. slowly learning to accept that I can't change some things about my life.. hoping Elvis will bring me the courage to change what I can... and the wisdom to know the difference..


Kiwi said...

Hi Ally!

lmao I had a black man / white man moment myself back in the days... and then there was this one record of another black man, with funny dreaded hair... fighting dragons... that cover always fascinated me (it was a Bob Marley album btw)

Good times!

JX said...

Hi Ally!

I'm sure I can't even begin to understand what your going trough but I hope these wise words from Amy Winehouse can help you in your struggle.

"I'm of the school of thought where, if you can't sort something out for yourself, no one can help you. Rehab is great for some people but not others."

"I was so out of control. It just happened. It shocked me. I'm sorry - I just don't know what got into me. I never want to feel that way again. I've scared myself this time. I was all over the place. I know things have got to change. I need to sort myself out."

"My justification is that most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about what they’re going to do for the next five or ten years. The time they spend thinking about their life, I just spend drinking."

"I’m either a really good drunk or I’m an out-and-out sh*t, horrible, violent, abusive, emotional drunk."

"I have a really good time some nights, but then I push it over the edge and ruin my boyfriend’s night. I’m an ugly dickhead drunk, I really am."

RadX said...

'Don't worry about a thing...
Cause every little thing is gonna be alright...' :D

But seriously: it's not an addiction I would worry about :). Music is what makes this grey world look more colorful. So go ahead, buy a green Ipod Shuffle, enjoy music as much as you can and stiffen up that upper lip ;)

RadX said...

PS. Yes - I am always such an optimst :)

Jase said...

There's such thing as a music addiction? It keeps me alive!

I guess if you're spending thousands of dollars at HMV, then that's different haha ;)

revilomat said...

I love this blog entry, so lovingly written!

My dad had the black/white records, too. :-)

I like that, deezer or my 3 month napster flat tryout are providing me with all the stuff I need, for free now... I even rediscovered one of these records, I listened to in my childhood. It is a great feeling to listen to it again!