Hi.. My name is Ally and i I'm an audioholic..
I've been using music for the last.. 23 years at least...
..and am still currently using..
I've tried quitting a few times.. but I always seem to fall of the wagon..
I don't remember how it started.. but I do remember being really young.. and looking up at the living room wall... at the shelves... filled with delicious vinyl records..
I remember my dad.. showing me 2 records.. one with a black man on the cover, and the other with a white man on the cover..
..he said they were the same person..
before I knew it.. I was using every day.. mostly in the living room.. by myself..
some days it got so bad... I chose the records over going out to play with the kids in my neighborhood..
It was probably then when I realized my hobby had become my addiction.
Back then.. I didn't always know what I was using.. I just knew it was... something like.. track number 6 on the record that looked like a white wall..
I was using so much during that time that it was hard to keep track of what was a good buzz and what wasn't..
Today I know better.. I read labels.. It's just good sense.. knowing what you are using at all times..
although sometimes.. I do lose control.. and use nonstop.. for days even..
after binges like that.. my head feels numb..
I feel the desperate need to continue using.. but everything I have.. isn't good enough..
..the tracks that made me feel like I was dancing on a rainbow of skittles... don't work for me anymore.. so I try to put them aside while I go hunting for a new buzz..
..most of the times.. the new buzz is in no way as good as the previous one..
Right there, I recognize that this might be a problem..
When I'm in a low like that, I try to find bad stuff to use, to make the old "good stuff" look more appealing again by comparison...
.. I have a few CDs for exactly that.. music that is so terrible.. it physically hurts using it..
I try to fool myself into thinking.. it's interesting and fun... and sometimes it works.. and I can laugh at my own silliness...
Other times.. it's just embarrassing, time consuming and ...quite painful.
I don't think I'll get over this addiction easily.. and some days.. I'm not even sure I want to get over it..
I know.. I know.. this means I'm not ready to change.. I haven't hit rock bottom yet.. but that doesn't mean I'm not concerned about my health and sanity..
Right now, I just have to take it one day at a time.. slowly learning to accept that I can't change some things about my life.. hoping Elvis will bring me the courage to change what I can... and the wisdom to know the difference..